I had the strangest encounter last night.  It was a little after midnight and Scully and I were driving back home from hanging out at a friend's apartment in NE DC.  I was craving something sweet, so I stopped by a gas station that I've frequented to grab something to eat.  Since I've been to this particular gas station on numerous occasions I am familiar with many of the cashiers, and if you know me at all you know that I'm chatty and friendly to almost everyone I meet.  

The clerk working tonight was an older Ethiopian man who is always kind to me and asks how I'm doing.  When I pulled in, he was outside sweeping.  He came inside with me (so I could pay him for my food,) and chatted me up while I was searching for my staple goodies: Oreos and Rice Krispy Treats.  I wanted to buy a lottery ticket (since I figured my luck has been so bad lately that SOMETHING has to go my way and it might as well be millions of dollars, right?) but I don't play the lotto very often at all and didn't know how to fill out the card.  Since he had already rung up my items, I was going to have to pay for the lottery ticket separately.  By then a few other people came in and he said he'd come back outside and show me how to fill out the lottery card when he had finished taking care of the other customers.  I didn't think anything at all since he was out there sweeping when I pulled up and the parking lot is very well lit.  

After a minute or two, he came out to my car and stood outside my rolled-down window while I was sitting in the car.  He explained how to fill out the lotto card and then proceeded to tell me he likes me and wants to call me.  It didn't stop from there.  I told him I am married, which isn't a lie yet since we're only separated at this point, and he told me he was married, too, but his wife was still in Ethiopia.  I told him he should cherish her and honor the bounds of matrimony.  Then he tells me he hasn't seen her or had intercourse (YES, THIS IS THE WORD HE USED!) in two years.  I'm just sitting there astonished and wondering if I'm really there experiencing this or was I really in bed having one of my many strange dreams!

Sidenote:  I'm sorry, but it is really uncomfortable to turn someone down when they ask you out and you aren't interested.  Plus I'm way out of practice with it since I haven't dated anyone but Steven in over five years.

I must have told him 3 or 4 times that I really needed to go because I had to get up early today and drive to VA Beach to pick up Kirrah's ashes, and that I would see him the next time I came into the store.  He just kept on persisting and eventually asked me to come back inside the store for a few minutes with a wink!  I just pulled off and told him that I'm not that kind of girl.

So, I'll have to find a new favorite gas station now, I guess!  That was some weird sh*t!

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 The divorce isn't final, but we got the separation agreement signed and notarized.  There's a clause in there that says from the time it is signed until the divorce is final, we can see who we want, date who we want, etc... without any interference from the other.

I thought I had cried my last tear but I hadn't.  I cried the whole drive home and I don't know if it made it worse or better but he consoled me for a while afterwards.

I just don't get it.  I know he still loves me.  I know he misses me.  I just don't know why he isn't willing to give it another shot?  I know we have/had some serious problems but in the past six months I've learned so much and I know I made big mistakes, but so did he.  I guess I just have to accept it and move on.  It sucks.  It is almost like the last 5 years of my life were completely waisted.  I turned 34, have no desire to date, so chances of me having a kid are getting slimmer and slimmer.

 

May 29, 2009 It Takes Energy to Do God's Will by Rick Warren "Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer" (Psalm 94:19 LB).

The fact is it takes energy to do God's will. What do you do when you run out of energy? God suggests when we're feeling uneasy, perhaps low on energy; we should be still and get quiet before him: "Lord, when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer" (Psalm 94:19 LB). But many of us have trouble getting quiet. It's as if we are afraid of silence; it makes us very uncomfortable. The moment we get in the car, the radio or CD player goes on. The moment we get home, the TV goes on. Yet, God, in a sense, says, "If you want to lower your stress, it's as simple as this: Shut up. Be silent. Stop talking and start listening." I suggest that once a day you should go out in your backyard, sit down, and just be quiet. I'm not talking about reading your Bible. You ought to read your Bible every day, but I mean get alone for five minutes a day and be completely silent. Ask God a question, and then just sit and listen. Sometimes we say, "God, I really need your guidance on this," and then we get up and walk off. We don't wait for an answer. Could it be the reason we never hear from God is we never listen? Learn to take little mini-breaks during the day. When you feel your blood pressure rising, stop and say, "God, I want to tune in on you again. I want to focus in on you." I'm not suggesting thirty minutes of meditation. I'm talking about fifteen or twenty seconds. Just little mini-breaks to stop and be quiet. Why is this important? Because the race of life is tough and, quite honestly, it's tough to live God's plan for your life. It's important to be still and know He is there.

 So, how do you know if you're healed from something that was emotionally traumatic?  I mean, when you get a cut on your finger, you can actually see it healing.  That isn't the case when you are hurting in your head and in your heart.  You can't physically see the mending.  This makes it tough because maybe you only thing you're healed, but in reality, you've just had a really good band-aid, and you're not.  So, what are the signs that you really are on the mend and getting better?

All my life, I've looked to take care of other people.  It is just who I am.  I get high off of helping people out, giving them gifts, advice, a helping hand - anything to see that look of joy and appreciation in their eyes.  It literally means the world to me when I give a great gift to someone - something they've either wanted for as long as they could remember, or something they didn't even realize they wanted or needed until they got it.  I don't know what it is - maybe it is because I'm the oldest child and grandchild and I'm just used to having people to take care of?  Maybe it is my mind's own defensive way of not paying attention to what I'm lacking, by pointing out what someone else needs or wants and filling the "hole" in them instead? 

So now that I actually need ME to take care of ME, I don't know how to do it.  I literally don't know where to start.  I'm feeling ok.  I'm stressed, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but lately I've actually started to feel grateful for this challenge that God, or life, has presented me with.  As strange as that sounds, I actually get one of those "giddy" feelings just looking at the word "challenge" and pairing it with my life situation at the moment.  It makes me feel a little crazy, and it makes me think that even typing that on here will make any of the readers think I'm actually glad to be rid of Steven.  Trust me, that is NOT the case.  I will always love him, even though he's hurt me worse than I could have ever imagined.  To be honest, though, I think I've hurt myself more than he's hurt me.  I knew who Steven was when I married him.  I knew he had deficiencies in the emotional intelligence department, but I was the idiot who thought if I loved him hard enough, it would tear down those walls built up around him that keep him from showing any emotion and we'd live happily ever after.  

I always thought those women who married guys thinking that marriage would change them were such idiots - yet, I'm one of them.  So, I can't entirely blame Steven for the hurt I'm feeling since I did know what I was getting myself into.  The sadness comes from the fact that I couldn't do what I'd hoped to do.  I didn't change him - in fact, he changed me.

So I'm trying to find that Jenny that everyone once knew.  I'm trying to be that person again.  But I still hold inside of me the hope, the NEED, to be a wife, to take care of my man, and have him appreciate the things that I love to do for him.  That man isn't Steven, and I'm coming to terms with it.  I'm just afraid that because of this need in me to be such a care taker, I'll mistakenly move on when my heart isn't ready yet.

So again, how do you know when you are healing?  I know I'm feeling better now, but I know I'm no where NEAR ready to "get back in the saddle" again.  Are there any signs or anything that I can be on the look out for to know when I'm getting closer to that point?  I certainly don't want to end up having to learn the same lesson again in another five years...

It's 4:28 am Tuesday morning. I haven't slept much. I guess I just got too wound up today with all that has been going through my mind. Everything is so up in the air, nothing is solid, nothing is structured, but somehow I feel okay. Yes, I know, I am not sleeping so obviously that isn't good. But the thing is - I'm not crying so hard that I'm puking and having trouble breathing to the point where I have to hit my inhaler.

( This is going to be random and not follow any particular train of thought )

I am going to create a new friends filter.  It will be a place where I will talk about spirituality, religion, and how it relates to and helps me in my current life situation.  I know that many of you on my friends list might not be comfortable with reading them, so please reply here if you do NOT want to be included.  I will screen all comments so no one has to know you opted out.

Thanks,
J

 My period has been MIA for a few months now, but for some reason it decides to remind me I am a woman every few weeks or so with those oh-so-lovely cramps!  Hell, I'd rather be bleeding than have this!

If it had potential to make the money I have potential to make in my current career, I'd love to get paid to play with and be there for children who need extra attention and love.  

Either that, or be a gardener. 

But, no chance you'd end up making $100,000 a year doing that!  (not that I am anywhere NEAR that salary now!)

If you used spackle and wall joint compound to repair holes, etc... after removing wallpaper, and then you used an electric wall sander to sand it all down, should you be wearing a mask, or at least leaving that room's door and windows open?  

I've just been sanding without anything and in the enclosed room and now I don't feel so healthy.  I quit for the night and went to the bathroom and was COVERED in white powder from my hair to my shoes.  Blech.  I'm taking a shower now. 

Some days I feel like I'm just wasting oxygen...